Sometimes...

Weekends seem to be particularly difficult for me. Can you suffer Empty Nest Syndrome when there are still kids living at home?

I am so tired of being depressed, sad, and lonely. I get so down and miserable and yet I do have God active, alive, and well in my life. What must it be like for those who do not?

I try to blog often, but most days it seems it would be futile. Who wants to hear about my depression? Aches? Pains? Thank God that He does not tire of me. When depression kicks in I can not operate in the love, grace, and mercy that I have been called to share with those around me.

The never-ending underlying theme is that I miss My Beloved and long to see him.I do realize he is only a man and that he makes it a priority to make certain that I know he thinks of me often. But, dammit, this is hard. I get, sad, lonely, fearful, and mad. Sometimes I just need a hug. Sometimes I need an "atta girl". Sometimes I need to look in the eyes where I am dancing in the fire. God's grace is sufficient and yet there are times when I need a physical presence.

I believe that God put the love I have carried for over 25 years for this man deep in the innermost recesses of my heart. I am grateful for that. I believe He has prepared me for a time such as this. I am grateful for that. I believe He will restore the years that the locusts ate away. I am grateful for that. I believe that same restoration has already begun.

I have things now that I did not have for 24 years. I have new memories. I have lots of wonderful photos...proof that I have not only seen him, but proof that I have even touched and been touched by him. I have the knowledge that he, too, carried me in the innermost recesses of his heart for all those lonely years. I am grateful for that.

I have a much deeper relationship with Jesus Christ. I am most grateful for that.

I also have new expectations. Perhaps therein lies my problem.